A board room in Brentwood. Sitting down are Margaret and Nick, between them an elevated seat for their noble leader, Sir Alan of Sugar. Opposite him is Alan Curbishley, flanked by Kieron Dyer and Lucas Neill.
Sugar: Margaret, how did Team Spurs get on?
Margaret: Well, despite telling how they were definitely going to come 4th, Team Spurs disappointed everyone by coming only 11th and scoring 46 points
Sugar: Not the best of starts…and Nick, Team West Ham?
Nick: Team West Ham did slightly better and delivered what they said they would, with 10th place and 49 points
Sugar: Okay, well done Team West Ham, but unfortunately for you the sulky Bulgarian Kid out of Team Spurs has already wandered off to Milan or something, so I am going to have fire one of you as well
Curbs: But have you seen our injury…
Sugar: Shut it, I’m not ready for you yet. Now, Kieron and Lucas, tell me about Alan, good team leader?
Neill and Dyer exchange nervous glances and then look down quietly
Sugar: Hmmm, not the best of references for you is it? So Alan, why have you brought Kieron to the board room?
Curbs: I just felt Kieron did not really contribute to the team this season Sir Alan. He got inured and we never saw from him again
Sugar: And who was responsible for bringing him on the team?
Curbs: It was me
Sugar: A right pile of rubbish you got there you schmuck. I don’t need doctors and nurses or so called medical experts to tell me when someone is a medical bloody liability, any idiot can see from his record he will spend most of the season injured, what were you thinking?
Curbs: But the nice man Mr Allardyce said he was really good
Sugar And where is this Mr Allardyce now exactly?
Curbs: ermmmm
Sugar: And why is Mr Neill in the boardroom with you?
Curbs: I just felt Lucas didn’t pull his weight this season
Sugar: He’s got enough bloomin weight to pull round (Margaret and Nick Smirk) Isn’t he just a patsy? Don’t you think your occasional bizarre team selections and negative tactics mean you didn’t push on even further than you could have?
Curbs: But we beat Man United 2-1
Nick: Oh well done
Margaret: And what about 3 4-0 defeats in a row?
Curbs: But have you seen our injury….
Sugar: Enough of this injury list, all I bloomin hear is injury list, right, I’m gonna tell you what’s what….Dyer….I’m not sure why you are in the board room, in fact, I’m not sure what you are doing here full stop, I’m not going to fire you, instead I have arranged a 6 month placement for you as a Club 18-30 rep in Ayia Napa for the Summer season, now get out of my sight. Neill, I’m not quite sure what you bring to this team every week, I seem to be writing a book on you each week, cheque books that is and I’m not sure what I’m getting (dramatic pause, camera pans to Curbs, he doesn’t smile) But Curbs, if I wanted to see under achievement married to over expectation, I would have stayed at Spurs, instead all I’m getting with you is all this bloomin negativity and you keep telling me how grateful I should and on that basis, Curbs, you’re fired…
Curbs walks out of the room, the next time we see him is in a taxi going under the Blackwall tunnel…
Curbs: At the end of the day, what with our injury list…
Suddenly, the taxi pulls over and the driver turns round to reveal it is in fact Slaven Billic. He pulls out a gun and as the camera pulls away from the taxi, we hear a gunshot.
Voiceover: 28 years….6 managers…..West Ham’s wait for a trophy continues…..
Nice blog post :)
The 'injury' list problem is definitely prevalent at the Hammers, but I cannot understand why managers insist on bringing in players with a history of getting injured.
Look at Man Utd this season - they had few injuries to key players. This allowed them the consistency they needed to sneak off and win the PL.
They do not hire crocks, except Saha of course, and when they establish someone is a crock - they quickly offload them (again like Saha, who is undoubtedly for the chop this summer).
Yes the Hammers did have a serious injury ist - but is it not one of the manager's responsibilities to ensure that the fitness levels are correct, that he doesn't have a squad of injury-prone players, etc ????
Posted by: Mark | 12/05/2008 at 14:51
4-0
4-0
4-0
hahaha
Posted by: aadvark | 13/05/2008 at 14:34
can you tell me please, the names
of all the west ham players who have
worn the no. 9 shirt ?
thank-you.
Posted by: buster | 15/05/2008 at 12:40